October 19th, 2020 
Hi Dancingbear. You worked on my essay recently. It was about the music lesson. This is another version responding to the same prompt. My advisor likes this one better than the music essay. However, she commented:
“I actually think I like the flower shop one more than the music essay. This is really well written but I think the flower shop may be more memorable. For the flower one, maybe you can expand on the paragraph that starts My most memorable moment Maybe adding a little more especially to the last sentence in that paragraph especially given that its your most memorable moment I feel like I want it to feel more momentous.
I think that the essay does not have the “momentous experience” leading to my conclusion.
The word limit is 500 words. I have been struggling to complete it. Can you help me to tweak the essay responding to my advisor’s comments?
This is the college admission essay to one of Ivy colleges.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Best,
Desperate College Applicant
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